Apparently, Tom Brady took the postgame presser podium last night wearing a hat. I know this not because I watched the presser, but because Many People are posting photos of him wearing the hat on Twitter.com, a social media platform I frequent, both for work and when I feel like my soul has replenished itself too much.
Tom Brady wore the hat, I’ve gathered, after the New England Patriots preseason win over the Carolina Panthers, which explains the smug smile on his face, but not necessarily why he chose to wear the hat. The hat, by the way, appears to be from hatmaker Nick Foquet, who not only makes good hats, but also looks good in all the hats he makes. This hat is one of those good hats. Tom Brady does not look good in the good hat.
And so once we swiftly are able to answer the question, Does Tom Brady look right in this hat? (No.), the next logical question to ask is, What does Tom Brady look like in this hat?
Here are 7 things Tom Brady looks like in this hat.
- The reason you woke up feeling unsettled this morning.
- The “Swag is for boys, class is for men” kid, but after he moved to Santa Monica.
- A picture taped on the inside of Johnny Depp’s locker.
- The guy at the party who you don’t want to talk to, but you can hear every word of his story anyway.
- A person who’d never use the match tucked into the band of the hat, even in an emergency situation where lives were on the line and it was the only match available.
- Proof that, while most celebrities look pretty cool in a Nick Fouquet hat, all rules have their exceptions.
- Not what he thinks he looks like.
Does Tom Brady really look that bad in this hat? Nope. Am I a Steelers fan who cannot resist any opportunity to take a jab at a New England Patriots player? Yes! Putting my insecurities aside, I understand what Captain America is doing here. The podium is his platform, and if he’s not going to use it to denounce his buddy Donald once and for all, he might as well plug a buddy who’s actually doing some cool shit.
Sorry, Tom. Please don’t win another Lombardi until my Steelers do.
Update, 10:58 PM ET: It has come to our attention that this list failed to mention Brady’s resemblance to The Mask from the 1994 film, The Mask, starring Jim Carrey. The author regrets the error.